You know that dude who goes to some place everyone’s gone for centuries but can’t stop yapping about it?

Yeah. That dude is me.

And that some place is China.

Man, that country sits on the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity.

Yeah.

Bombdiggity.

Black Street.

1990s.

Hip-hop’s golden era.

Not that “Trap,” “Thot Rap” and “Rage Beat” slop drummed into undiscerning ears these days.

Anyway, what was I saying?

Yes. How awesome China is.

I found China so dazzling that I needed sunglasses to protect my eyes from raw awesomeness. Of course, frequent travellers to China may be jaded by the country’s badassery. But me, I’m easy to stir. A little shimmer and a moissanite may well be a diamond.

For good or bad, there’s a horde of Nigerians now travelling to China. But most are not going to see the Hallelujah Mountains. They are in China for trade. Which is raising some bile. Established traders are being disintermediated. The supposed complexity of importing from China is demystified. And add to these our special proclivity to royally screw up in host countries. So, I can understand the disquiet around the influx.

But China is so much more than Shein and Temu. It is a marvellous holiday destination. The sites are breathtaking, hotels are inexpensive, food and getting around are cheap, and well, you can go berserk with shopping. What’s not to love about the Middle Kingdom?

Yeah, I know. China is not without its kinks. It is a Communist country. And Tiananmen Square did happen. But I can’t, in good conscience, dislike the birthplace of dumplings and tofu. I detest the mass surveillance and censorship, but I can’t detest dim sum.

My trip to China was to attend the Canton Fair. The Canton Fair is the largest trade show on earth. It boasts 25,000 exhibitors over 3 weeks. The venue is the size of 160 football fields.

That is one annoying thing about China. It is like that guy during exams who asks for extra sheets when you are still on question one. Inconsiderate of everyone else’s struggles.

What were my first impressions of China?

One word: embarrassing.

Let me explain.

In preparation for my trip to China, I’d learnt all I could about the country. From its ancient history, to the Opium Wars, to Mao Zedong, and then to modern China. I discovered Yu the Engineer and his wife, Tushan-shi. I journeyed with the emperors across the Xia, Han, Qing and Ming dynasties.

But I also delved into more contemporary Chinese affairs. How to get around, how to pay, how to stay connected, where to shop and where to eat. I also curated a precious list of Mandarin words and phrases.

So, when I arrived at Guangzhou’s Baiyun International Airport, I was ready. I approached the immigration guy brimming with excitement.

And that was when the first embarrassment happened.

The dude scanned my passport, enrolled my biometrics and the e-gate swung open.

He didn’t speak a word to me.

He didn’t ask me a single question.

Well, that was rude!

All my research and curated Mandarin, only to be taken for a mute!

Because, you see, as a Nigerian passport holder, I am used to abuse. Once, I was strip-searched at Dubai Airport. Another time, a female border officer frisked me at Havana. So, I have come to expect cross-examinations and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire at points of entry.

I’ll be honest. With the Dubai incident, I looked like a drug dealer. Dreadlocks, earrings and sagged jeans. Jide Pablo. Emeka Guzman. I’d pull me over too.

But I digress.

So, this dude at Baiyun International Airport; he didn’t utter a word to me. He processed me in under 20 seconds.

I was miffed.

This is a disdain of my corporeal existence! I am visiting China for the first time and he had no questions for me? What if I was in town to steal kung fu? Importantly, he denied me the opportunity to tell you about Yu the Engineer and his wife, Tushan-shi! I demand to speak to President Xi!

I would, of course, get the chance to show off my Mandarin moments later.

I got my bag from the conveyor and exited the terminal building. It was almost midnight. So, I hailed a Didi (China’s Uber). I got in the car and greeted the driver.

“Nǐ hǎo nǐ hǎo ma?” (Hi! How are you?)

The driver smiled and let fly a slew of Mandarin.

“Xie xqegrjedf xuyufei yuan qing xiexie zhang baoxing miàntiáo cuckoo shaolin wo tang klan.”

That was how he sounded to me.

I had no clue what he said.

I grinned at him like an idiot.

The second embarrassment was eating.

There is this saying about the Chinese and food: “The Chinese eat anything that has four legs except tables, anything that flies except airplanes and anything that swims except submarines.”

So, in China, I prepared to gorge.

What I didn’t prepare for were chopsticks.

You know how everyone in Amsterdam was born with wheels and cycled right out of the womb? That is how Chinese people are. They are born with chopsticks for fingers. These guys can drink pap with chopsticks!

My daughters were aghast at my maladroitness with the chopsticks. They’d try to teach me how to use them many times. But a hand divinely crafted to lift abóòdí and sàki to the mouth cannot commit sacrilege and lift a stick to the mouth. A kìí je méjì lábà Àlàdé. But my kids, they think I have disgraced the family name in China.

Listen, kiddos, I’m too old to be shamed by my own uselessness. At any rate, I can use chopsticks if I have three hours to eat my food.

Sticks to eat aside, there were other cultural shocks. Hardly anyone in China spoke English, people smoked indoors, and public toilets were the squat type. In a literal sense, you squat to take a crap. What is this, 1939?

But my biggest surprise was how helpful the people were.

As a black person in a country of 1.4 billion people, naturally, my presence elicited stares. But it was more curiosity than suspicion. Everyone I went to for information was obliging. Some guy even asked to take pictures with me. And once I complimented people on their looks, they opened up like clams. They allowed me to click their pictures.

 And I felt so safe in China. I walked around Guangzhou and Shenzhen at night without inhibitions.

Curiously, the two countries I’d felt the safest on my travels — China and Cuba — are Communist countries.

Tech and Innovation in China.

 In China, innovation is the mantra.

For instance, in some cities, you can order a “drunk driver.”

Say you went out with friends and had too much to drink. Instead of driving while inebriated, you can order a driver to drive you home. This driver arrives on a small, foldable motorbike. He folds his bike and puts it in your trunk. He then takes your car keys and drives you home.

And there are these unmanned minimarts you can access in the middle of the night. Say you were walking home at 2:00 am and suddenly wanted a sugary treat. You go to one of these minimarts and scan the QR code on the glass door. The door opens and you go in. You pick whatever you want, take them to the counter and scan to pay. Once you’ve paid, the door opens again for you to exit.

And should you have the urge to make off with the goodies, cameras follow your movement.

And that’s one other crazy thing about China. The number of cameras.

Once upon a time in antiquity, the United Kingdom was the most surveilled country in the world. Then China said hold my beer.

According to an estimate, China has between 700 million and 800 million cameras.

That’s one camera for every two people.

Even village people no dey monitor like this!

Still on tech, China has the world’s largest high-speed rail network. I took the bullet train from Guangzhou to Shenzhen and then to Hong Kong. 240km/h was a trot for those beauties.

The Shanghai Maglev train is even more impressive. It travels at 430Km/h.

But it gets more astonishing.

Chinese engineers have tested a prototype designed for speeds up to 600km/h.

For context, the average cruising speed of a commercial airliner is 900km/h to 1,000km/h.

600km/h is almost half the speed of sound.

Make una dey calm down for that China!

Shopping in China.

When I packed for China, I packed one t-shirt, one shirt, one short and one pair of jeans.

That’s because China is a shopper’s Shangri-La. You could probably find someone selling a spaceship in a back store. So, I knew I’d have a pick of nice threads. I was going to “GZ” – Guangzhou – China’s apparel and fashion hub.

I came back to Lagos with a crisis of faith.

Except you are Femi Otedeola, Mike Adenuga or Alhaji, I can’t trust your designer clothing or accessories.

The replica market in China is mind-boggling. Pharrell Williams could buy a replica LV bag and not know it. And for only 5% – 10% of the real cost.

My search for clothing to rock in Guangzhou had led me to a market called Kinbo Fashion City. Turns out it is the most famous apparel replica market in Guangzhou. It is a 7-storey designer eye candy. Moncler, LV, Prada, Burberry, Fendi, Brunello Cucinelli, Gucci and Balmain. Each available for less than $30. It’s ridiculous.

Not far away from Kinbo is Baiyun Leather City, the 6-storey epicentre of replica bags in China. Word on the street is that if Hermes releases a bag on Monday, Baiyun Leather City has the copy in stores by Friday.

Omo, see bags!

Hermès, LV, Chanel, Dior, Coach, Bottega, Loewe, Gucci, Prada, Tory Burch, Kate Spade, Burberry.

All indistinguishable from the original.

Each less than $400.

And on Zhanxi Road, the replica watches!

Rolex, Richard Mille, Audemars Piguet, Patek Philippe, Cartier, Vacheron Constantin, IWC. With the top-tier superfakes, only watch experts with special instruments can make out a copy.

Patrons from the Middle East, Europe, the US, Latin America and Africa troop to these replica markets. Many of the African buyers are Nigerian retailers and personal users.

Of course, China has intellectual property and copyright laws. And the government cracks down on counterfeiters through raids. But it’s an impossible job. The industry is estimated to be $400bn annually. Counterfeiters are like cockroaches. They are impossible to kill.

Fun fact: China’s counterfeit market is 12.5% of China’s total exports. That’s roughly 1.5% of the country’s GDP.

Quite frankly, the Communist Party would rather go after dissidents.

What share do we have in LVMH, what part in Kering and Hermès? To your tents, O China!

Getting a visa to China.

What is the China visa process like?

It is both easy and hard at the same time.

A successful China visa application rises or falls on an “Invitation Letter.”

Let me explain.

STEP 1: Fill out the application online and upload the required documents. Among the required documents is the “Invitation Letter” from a Chinese entity.

STEP 2: The Chinese Consulate approves the application. This takes two to four days. If there are issues with your application, you will get an email with the issues highlighted. You will be asked to amend the application and resubmit.

STEP 3: After notification of approval, you proceed to VFS to pay the visa fees, enrol your biometrics and drop off your passport.

STEP 4: Come back in four days to collect your passport with the visa in it.

On paper, you do not need an “agent” to help you with this process.

Now, the tricky part.

China does not issue tourist (L) visas to Nigerian solo travellers. You have to be part of a tour group of at least five people.

This tour must be paid for and provided by a recognised China-registered tour agency. The agency will then issue you an “Invitation Letter”. You apply for the visa with this invitation letter.

The bummer is, almost all the tour agencies reject Nigerian customers. It seemed that when we visit China and eat Kung Pao Chicken, we forget to return home.

Thus, the “easier” route Nigerians use to travel to China is through a Business (M) visa. You get an invitation letter from a Chinese company and submit it as part of the documents required.

The invitation letter is what makes a Chinese visa “hard.” It is a mandatory requirement for a first-time traveller to China.

It is where “agents” come in.

They can often get you an invitation and help you put the application together. They charge a fee. The fee ranges from N1.7m to N2.2m depending on your travel history.

But there is a hack!

You can get an invitation letter free from the Canton Fair! No agent needed. No money paid. That was how I got my visa.

The Canton Fair is organised by the China Ministry of Commerce. It runs twice a year: April – May and October – November. All you have to do is register to attend as an International Buyer. Then you can request for an invitation letter a few weeks before the Fair. After you have received your visa and travel to China, you no longer need an invitation letter for future applications. You can still get one if you want. But at that point, it becomes a nice-to-have and not a must-have.

Of course, while the invitation letter is crucial for first-time travellers, you must still meet other criteria. Bank balance, CAC registration, hotels, flight; the usual stuff.

But that’s it! The visa process. I’ve saved you N1.7m!

If it all sounds like heady stuff to you, I can help. But you have to take me to China with you. I’ve got unfinished business in that country. Apparently, Beijing Roast Duck is divine with pancakes.

The highlight of my stay in Guangzhou was meeting some very important people, chief among whom was Alhaji Adamu Mu’azu, former Governor of Bauchi State and former National Chairman of the PDP.  He was fun, jocular and erudite. I took to him instantly. Alhaji was passionate about Nigeria and entreated us to join the government to bring our smart ideas to bear.  I told him the government already had smart people. He agreed but insisted there was nothing like “too much of a good thing.”

Very true, Shugaba. But no be my head them go take break coconut!

 Next stop, Hong Kong!

Watch out for the post!.

PS: Parting quiz. How many people are on their phones in this picture?