I have been in brand management since dinosaurs roamed the earth. I’ve sold alcohol to imams, sold condoms to eunuchs and sold Ozempic to malnourished kids. I’ve even sold zobo to politicians. So, yes, I know the power of branding and repositioning. And apparently, so do prostitutes. Because these days, commercial sex is denuded of its stigma. It …
If you use a high-end phone, but didn’t buy it from the brand or an authorised reseller, and the phone was ‘Made in Vietnam,’ then that beauty in your hand might be a dud. A fake. I paid for one last week. A brand new Samsung S24 Ultra. Bee’s knees, that phone. Sleek and features-laden. …
She: Dad… Me: Yeah? She: I want an axolotl. Me: A what? She: An axolotl. Ak.suh.lo.tl Me: What is that? She stuck YouTube in my face. Me: That is some ugly-ass salamander! She hit me on the arm and corrected me. She: It is not a salamander. It is an axolotl. It is cute and we can get it …
Lekki gets a lot of rap from mainlanders. Poor people like it when rich people cry. It is sour grapes. They blend it with ice and add syrup to make a cold glass of schadenfreude. Delight in your enemy’s travails is sweet. I moved to Lekki in late 2023 and wrote a viral blog post about the transition. The reception …
Horror movies are not my thing. I do not see the entertainment in using your money to scare yourself. But for someone who claims to abhor horror movies, I’ve seen too many werewolves and vampire movies. El Conde. Let the Right One In. The Wolfman. Twilight. Dracular Untold. Interview With the Vampire. Nosferatu. Sinners. The lot. I’m drawn to full moons and …
So, I decided to have some fun and fool around with ChatGPT again. This time, I asked it to summarise the Bible in different “colloquial street languages.” You’ll laugh for your head off! It was fun! Me: Summarise the Bible in Warri pidgin English ChatGPT said: Wetin dey sup, my guy? Make I knack you tori of the whole Bible …
Friends, if you ever go to Kenya, never get into an argument with a lion, leopard, hippo, or even a beetle. Even if the animals called your mother a prostitute and your father a bastard, you’ll do well to walk on by. That is because the Kenyan government takes sides with its animals. You dare not snigger at these …
Village people are subtle. They don’t come at you wielding machetes nor appear as fearsome masquerades. No, they are far too cultured. They afflict you in secret. In the comfort of your office. While eating creamy cheese Alfredo pasta. When you finally cash in your chips, your sudden perishment will flummox people. An autopsy may reveal the cause of death …
I have a nose like a Bloodhound. I can sniff out AI-generated writing from a mile away. I suss out when someone has used generative AI to write a brief, reply to an email, or write a “thought leadership” post on LinkedIn. It’s in the trite tone and verbiage, in the poverty of imagination and absence of personality. It is …
“It took me a long time to learn how to play like myself.” – Miles Davis. I don’t write for a living. Like my photography endeavours, I write for leisure. I therefore do not consider myself a serious writer. I don’t even think I write that well. But many of my readers disagree. They are fans. They dote and wait …
I have the rare privilege of knowing my enemies. Dipo Opatola. David Bamgbala. Tunji Oni. Marvin. Bolaji Pedro. They are childhood mates. Sadly, they have sold their souls to the Spirit Of Shankly. They are irredeemable Liverpool fans. Sprites that stick little daggers in my sides anytime Man United loses. The good thing about knowing these enemies is that I …
I like to travel. Especially to places Nigerians don’t tend to visit. You meet interesting people. Two years ago, near Chichen Itza, Mexico, my wife and I met an elderly Argentine couple, Flavia and Rodolfo. Charming duo. Flavia adored my wife’s smooth and taut skin. She ran her hand over the missus’ skin. Rodolfo was aghast at his wife’s …
Death, especially the death of a loved one, purifies the thought. It distils life into clear distillates. The important from the unimportant. The permanent from the fleeting. You cogitate on the vanity of life as you sip a N500K whisky. As I sat in the pew listening to congregants eulogise my father-in-law, the jocose philosopher in me took over. …
Nike doesn’t like vanilla ice cream. It does not like safe. It likes Chilli Ginger Balsamic Swirl Ice Cream. Something to titillate the sense. It is the type of company that’ll put pineapples in pizza in Italy. It’s made specially for you. Hope you like it. And if you don’t, well, maybe you should try the cupcake from Lululemon. “Am …
My father-in-law recently withdrew to more favourable frontiers. Tired of the earthly church, he decided to join the church triumphant. I have so much love for the man. Without him, my wife might not have married me. He saw a son-in-law in a smoke-bellowing, booze-guzzling, jeans-sagging and dreadlock-spotting irreligious boy. He looked beyond the cover of the book. His death …
Usually, I do not care about whatever name a father decides to christen his child. He can name the child Hitler, Pol Pot, Anini or Ivan The Terrible; I don’t care. It’s none of my business. But when a loi-loi-eating Nigerian father looks down joyously upon his chortling newborn and decides to name him ‘Heineken’, then I’ve got to weigh …
It’s Valentine’s Day and I want to go find Cupid, break his bow and arrows, put him on my lap and smack his ethereal behind. It’s love messages everywhere I turn and I’m sick and tired of it. Even my bank sends a Valentine’s email: “Back up sweet words with sweet deals…with our Naira Mastercard.” Back up my butt! I’ve …
So, I find myself moving to the ‘Island.’ I enjoy going to the Island now and then but never fancied living in that neck of the woods. I’d lived all my years on the ‘Mainland’. I love it there. Life is simple, inexpensive and less vainglorious. In contrast, I esteemed the Island as extortionate, bougie and full of affectation. But …
One more gang movie and I’m going to slit someone’s wrist. Try me. Inner peace, Jide. Inner peace. I can’t resist drawing a line between King of Boys, Shanty Town and Gangs of Lagos. The similitude is striking. The Machiavellian politician. The savage goons. The dispensable laity. The overarching theme of revenge and sub-themes of betrayal and power is …
In September 2022, ARCON banned the use of foreign models and voice-overs in advertising targeted at Nigerians from 1 January 2023. What the ban means is that Heineken or Coke or MTN can no longer expose in Nigeria the same advertising it runs in say Cameroon or South Africa, if the advertising does not include Nigerian models or voice-over. While …
Like the phoenix, the Advertising Practitioners Council of Nigeria (APCON) is reborn as the Advertising Regulatory Council of Nigeria (ARCON). With this rebirth comes a new set of fangs and claws in the form of the ARCON Act 2022. Goodbye to the impotent APCON Act 2004. All hail the ARCON Act 2022. Now, how potent are these new ARCON powers? …
So, that was me worshipping at the Temple of Kukulcán at Chichén Itzá, Mexico. If you look closely at the top of the pyramid, you will see the feathered serpent god Kukulcán slithering down the steps. If you can’t see him, that’s because you are not spirit-filled. Nothing a few shots of tequila can’t fix, however. But you can’t go …
I disrelish communism. I abhor totalitarian regimes. I abhor any government that willfully muzzles its people even if the country appears to prosper. I am a purveyor of the right to self-determination, free speech, right to association and right to own property. Call me naive, but I’m sold on democracy and democratic principles. Cuba is a communist country. But Cuba …
Recently, the missus and I attended a B1/B2 visa interview at the US Consulate in Lagos. While we are not unfamiliar with visiting the Consulate, it has been 10 years since we attended a US visa interview. We’ve always used the “interview waiver programme” or “drop box.” Until Nigeria’s village people went to work. It turns out that in 2016, …
So, I’ve seen Top Gun: Maverick. Man, I missed my calling! See, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Zip across enemy lines and leave napalm in my wake. Every 1 October, I run onto the streets to wave at the fighter jets streaking across the sky. I saw myself one day in one of …
So, I was on a sabbatical from Netflix and enjoying the company of myself, when the children of men besieged me for my opinion of Blood Sisters. My first thought was to flee from anything blood. Blood money, blood moon, Bloody Mary. But I was bewitched by the ask. What do you know: some people do value my movie reviews! …
Let me tell you all; the GTCO Food & Drink event is the best brand event in the land. It is the best brand event for two reasons. One, he who brings food brings life. Two, he who brings food brings life. Now, I don’t care much about GTCO or any other bank one way or the other. Of course, …
Today’s young men suck at wooing women. So complain the single ladies I work with. They say these guys can’t toast a lady if you gave them a room full of bread and a Deville toaster. They’ll carbonize the opportunity. Horribly. And by being such Dufuses at dating, they’ve left me with angry and frustrated ladies to console. That’s not …
A few weeks ago I was strolling along Twitter boulevard when I came across an intriguing dare. Some dude was on a quest to prove that ‘juju’ or ’jaz’ did not exist. As busy-body Lagosians were wont to do, I stopped by to see what was going on. This derring-do fella did not believe in the supernatural. He worships at …
Let me tell you about one of my favorite philosophers, some bloke called Mediocrates. You may wonder what a Greek philosopher has to do with Chief Daddy2. But I assure you, Nollywood worship at the feet of this bloke. You see, Mediocrates is the Patron Saint of Mediocrity. If you were stuck in an evil vortex of excellence, Mediocrates has …
If I could go back in time and pick an era in which I’d loved to be married, I’d pick the days of the Old Testament. Those were the days! A man’s life was easy. Because I have no recollection of Adam helping Eve zip up her impossibly tight dress for Abel’s christening. Or Ruth belching rage because Boaz forgot their wedding anniversary. Jezebel …
So, I’ve been thinking. In light of the explosive revelation that the NASCO Group may have financed terrorism in Nigeria, if I was starving and NASCO cornflakes were the only edible thing around, would I eat it or not? You bet your butt I would! Unlike you lot, I’m capable of separating the sin from the sinner, the man from …
It stands to reason that in a country where life expectancy is 55 years, every minute counts. And I’ve just wasted 128 minutes watching Swallow. So, if I die before 55 years, look no further than Mr. Afolayan and Netflix. Both have conspired to abbreviate my life through the malicious purloining of 128 minutes. Look, I’m pissed. Really pissed. I …
So, who is this muppet that dares rate our beloved King of Boys 2 a 6/10? That would be me, ladies and gentlemen. You see, I’m not blessed with much good sense. Full of myself I am. Zag when everybody zigs. It’s an affliction. But I’ll be delivered of the malaise someday. I will. However, in the present, I’m insistent …
I don’t know about you but I enjoy dwelling in the land of the living. I’d rather not die. But that matter was long decided for me in a garden. It’s what happens when you stop to chit-chat with a snake. Your boyfriend was right there naked and you stopped to tattle with a snake. Not that I hold a …
“Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.” Robert Heinlein said that. Far from being a masochistic neanderthal, he actually means well for the pickneys. I’ve got two smart and charming daughters. Pre-teens. Perfect peaches. I dote on them like the devil dote on sinners. They mean the world to me. I’ll hire the Mossad to knock …
I have a country, but not a nation. I have brothers, but not brethren. Cradle me in your arms; Give me not brothers in arms. This Sunday I cannot worship My faith disrobed. The dark invites, With promises of light, The angry drum beats Seducing a dance. Hither, thither Goes the leader. The bribe of the tribe So …
It’s been ten days since the Federal Government suspended Twitter. As I suspected, my life has not come to a cataclysmic end. Yup, I’m still here. And so is my mind. A luxury these days. Now, it is not that I do not care for Twitter or support the government’s brutish machismo. I like Jack Dorsey and don’t mind his …
Once upon a time, the animals got together and started a school. The influential animals decided what the best measure of intelligence and ability was. It was running, climbing, swimming and flying. All the animals must score an A in the four subjects. The duck was excellent in swimming; in fact, better than his instructor, the kangaroo. But he made …
On Sunday, Manchester United’s home match against Liverpool was cancelled due to fan protests against the Glazer ownership. I was pained the match was cancelled. United is in such fine fettle. Sunday was an opportunity to drive kryptonite-tipped and plutonium-coated nails into Liverpool’s ‘Top-4’ coffin. Condemn them to wallow in the Europa muck with Outer Mongolia FC and Borat Kazakhstan. …
So, Burna Boy and Wizkid win Grammys and everyone is losing their mind. Not me. It is a tough time in Nigeriana right now. If you lose your mind, whoever finds it may not return it. Finders keepers. Or if your mind has a smidgen of value, you’ll have to ransom it. My mind is all I have. So, …
The last time I thought about collective nouns for animals was last year when my daughter was writing exams into secondary school (high school). She was impressed with my knowledge. Well, that’s what fathers do – know things. But my esteem was bruised a few days ago when I was writing a blogpost and needed to use the collective nouns …
I apologise in advance that I’m drawing loyalty lessons from football. I know there might be many of you here who do not care for football. I get it. But frankly, I don’t know what you are doing with your life if you don’t love football. It is akin to hating bacon or pepperoni pizza. Your joy can’t be full. …
Picture this. You are on your bed in your boxers. The mood is right. Barry White’s deep sensuous voice comes up on the HomePod. Telling you this. Telling you that. Or maybe Joe is your thing. Or Ed Sheeran. The room is chilled by the air conditioner. The lights are dimmed. Your bonnie lass is in the bathroom. You can …
Ingratiating commentaries are profitable. I’m tempted to get on that gravy train. But sadly, it is not for me. By a cruel hand of fate, it turns out I am allergic to bull. I tend to serve my juice without sweeteners. And as everyone with a sweet tooth knows, juices without sugar taste anemic. Truth is vinegary. Bitter, in fact, …
Right. I crawled out from under my rock to hear the ruckus about a newfangled men association. Stingy Men Association of Nigeria. Quite unexpectedly, men have come to their senses and will no longer let their phalluses lead them to ruination. Phalluses, by their unique biology, pay no mind to bankruptcy and good sense. Once in the presence of a …
So, Burger King changed its logo. Out with the new, in with the old. The new logo had a retro feel that is becoming the new order in recent brand identity revamps. As marketers are won’t to do, we have been engaged in arcane semiotics about logo revamps like a coven of philosophical witches. At the risk of being considered …
Man, I like cats. Not petrifying felines like Mufasa or Shere Khan. But felines like Garfield and Puss In Boots. Cats have my heart. Sneaky, disloyal and manipulative beauties. I’m particularly drawn to black furry cats. I like the outcast and the maligned. Why do I like cats? Oh, cats live life on their own terms. They know they …
Your Wife and I. Nigerians have the cruelest humour. We banter and satirize like no other. Pity such creativity seldom shows in our advertising. In the last couple of days, Twitterverse has been awash with the alleged indiscretion of a bank MD. As expected of senior management, this good sir had spotted promise in a married employee. Since where …
