Today’s young men suck at wooing women. So complain the single ladies I work with. They say these guys can’t toast a lady if you gave them a room full of bread and a Deville toaster. They’ll carbonize the opportunity. Horribly. And by being such Dufuses at dating, they’ve left me with angry and frustrated ladies to console. That’s not part of my job. But sharing the same gender with these bungling blokes disempowers me from being apathetic. A man sins. A man atones.

Now, when I say ‘today’s young men’, I mean any unmarried male between the ages of 20 and 34 years. Hardly young, those lot. But if you’re pushing the golden jubilee like I am, everyone younger than 35 years appears young. 

These young Turks. I don’t get them. Youth is the time you took risks. It is the time you say what you feel like saying. The time you wear your passion on your sleeves and tell the girl if she was a Transformer, she’d be Optimus Fine. You never accept ‘no’ for an answer because it may end up being ‘nobody told me you were this sweet’. The wooing was a rite of passage. 

But today’s young blokes? Bumbling like Mr. Bean. They rove between extremes. If they are not bashful, they are coarse. If they are chatty, they come up with corny pick-up lines. 

And don’t get me started with this new-fangled outlook that men don’t have to chase women. If a girl likes a guy, she should not play hard to get. 

That’s baloney. Women are born to be chased. To be courted. I don’t get it myself, but I got with the program. Someday when I meet God face to face, I’ll ask Him why men are from Earth and women from, well, Andromeda. But until then, I’ll put my exasperation aside and tell her I’ve been reading the book of Numbers and suddenly realize I didn’t have her number.

See how easy it is to make a girl laugh? 

‘With all the sparks I’m feeling, you must be Sango’s daughter’.

Maybe not that one. She’ll probably reply, ‘Thunder fire you!’ 

Yes, women loved to be chased. The only woman who wasn’t courted was Eve. And look where that got us.

The other day, one of the girls shared her experience with me. Some guy had chatted her up. Three sentences into the conversation and it was obvious this bloke took ‘Think Like A Man’ to heart. The annoying lad wanted to know her short and long-term goals, her strengths and weaknesses, and where she saw herself in five years. 

I’ll tell you where she sees herself in five minutes. Blocking your number! No wonder you are single like a Pringle. Now, I have to defend your ineptitude. And I don’t even know you. Cheesed off. 

Another single colleague told me how some dude at the gym tried to chat her up but repeated the same greetings every day.

Day 1: “Hi, are you OK?”

Day 3: “How are you? Are you fine?”

Day 5: “Hi, how are you? Are you good?”

Dude, what are you, a shrink?

Tell her her hard work at the gym is motivating you not to quit. Ask her if both of you can train together. Say something nice, muppet!

The sad thing was this girl liked the look of him. If he’d said the right words or was a bit more confident, he was in. But he decided to be a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists don’t get girls. They get patients.

I’ve heard of a couple of reasons why young blokes are poor at seeking love. 

Me-Too movement

Some folks put down the young blood’s ineptitude to the Me-Too movement. To the emergence of female power. Or a variation of it often labeled “toxic femininity”. These days, the belief goes, women are too sensitive and dudes have to watch what they say around them. The young bloods are therefore worried about being perceived as coming on too strong or disrespecting women.

It’s a brittle world alright. Fear ye cancel culture. But I suspect most women want to be wooed and showered with affection. Women have not erected a barrier to screen out men. They just want us to put some effort and climb over the barrier, where they’ll be waiting with weak knees on the other side.

Of course, there are the odd feminists eager to catch a guy in a faux pas. Who do not ‘take nonsense from any man.’ I’m not talking about these. Chances are they need love as much as the blokes. But the point stills remain. Most women don’t fly on broomsticks seeking men to humiliate.

Why woo when all she wants is money?

The second theory says there’s no need to woo a woman when all she is after is money. Just let her know you’ve got the mullah and she’ll follow you. It’s the most ridiculous demeaning of a woman I’d ever heard. But the view has many male adherents. 

Now, ladies, what’s up with all this wanting a “baby girl’s life”? What does that even mean? You want to wear diapers all over again? Ponytails and Miraculous Ladybug? Okay, fine. You don’t want to lift a finger but have all your needs attended to. May I ask what you bring to the table? A pretty face and a Botox butt? Ladies, please! Men can pay for that outside. Without the attachment, drama and expensive lifestyle. Why should the men be loyal to you? No reason. You are an article. A chattel that can be dispensed with at whim. Your love is skin deep. 

My wife, of course, tells me it is broke busters like me that make these types of arguments. Moneybags don’t ask what a baby girl brings to the table. The baby girl is the table. Men like to show off their acquisitions. A baby girl is there to be shown off. 

And sell on too.

Now, hear me out. I’m not saying women should not desire a made man or the good life. I’d rather not work if Abba Father gave me the option. But He didn’t, so I work. And before you get smug and reply work is men’s lot, Eve the Squeeze was created to be a helper to Damie. H-E-L-P-E-R. While Adam was tilling the ground, Eve was doing something. Milking the goat, sewing a sheepskin or spanking Abel. She wasn’t sitting on her Botox smiting her enemies blind with baby girl living. 

But I digress. 

Of course, I disagree with the notion that all women are after money. This is the play of people who don’t have game. Yes, some women want money. But many women want money plus a cool, loving, and great guy. It’s seldom an either-or situation. I’ll dare say many women are even after love. Therefore, the argument of the materialistic woman is the argument of blokes who lack the nous of wooing.

Direct is the new normal. If you like me, tell me.

Everyone is woke these days. Old rules no longer apply. If a girl likes a guy, she should woman up and let the guy know. Everything to be said can be said in 160 characters and emojis. So why fuss? 

I’ll tell you where being woke will get us. One day, some geezer will press the button on a nuclear bomb to create a mushroom emoji. 

Back in the days when I was young, yes, I sagged my True Religion jeans and wore t-shirts about fellatio. I was so open-minded that sometimes my brain fell out. But never did it cross my mind to expect a girl to roll over once I said ‘hi’. I mean, I was no Denzel and my many True Religion jeans were pass-offs. So, why would any girl tell me she’d like to date me? 

Hold on. There was this one time a girl told me I was handsome and a wonderful guy. Her name was Rachel. Or Cynthia. Or Evangelina. Can’t remember. I’d drunk a brewery. Hard to make out a prostitute under those conditions.

Listen, young thugs. As long as women are women, they’ll seldom come on strong to you. Most women have a real fear of rebuff. They do not want to throw themselves into the arms of a guy and he does not catch them. The fall will be hard. What smart blokes do is chase the bunny lass down even when you know she’s down with you. It’s a game. Play it. Make it look like you want her more than she wants you. Everybody wins. 

When I look back, perhaps all we old geezers were once like these young bloods. My wife told me I was arrogant and sucked at wooing women. She stored my number as ‘Jide Monkey’. I guess King Kong got the girl in the end.

Or maybe we are seeing a shift in dating dynamics. Maybe the old rule books no longer work. But one thing will never change. As long as love exists, there will always be a need for wooing. And wooing is an art. The more you paint, the better you get.