She: Dad… Me: Yeah? She: I want an axolotl. Me: A what? She: An axolotl. Ak.suh.lo.tl Me: What is that? She stuck YouTube in my face. Me: That is some ugly-ass salamander! She hit me on the arm and corrected me. She: It is not a salamander. It is an axolotl. It is cute and we can get it …
Lekki gets a lot of rap from mainlanders. Poor people like it when rich people cry. It is sour grapes. They blend it with ice and add syrup to make a cold glass of schadenfreude. Delight in your enemy’s travails is sweet. I moved to Lekki in late 2023 and wrote a viral blog post about the transition. The reception …
Horror movies are not my thing. I do not see the entertainment in using your money to scare yourself. But for someone who claims to abhor horror movies, I’ve seen too many werewolves and vampire movies. El Conde. Let the Right One In. The Wolfman. Twilight. Dracular Untold. Interview With the Vampire. Nosferatu. Sinners. The lot. I’m drawn to full moons and …
Friends, if you ever go to Kenya, never get into an argument with a lion, leopard, hippo, or even a beetle. Even if the animals called your mother a prostitute and your father a bastard, you’ll do well to walk on by. That is because the Kenyan government takes sides with its animals. You dare not snigger at these …
Village people are subtle. They don’t come at you wielding machetes nor appear as fearsome masquerades. No, they are far too cultured. They afflict you in secret. In the comfort of your office. While eating creamy cheese Alfredo pasta. When you finally cash in your chips, your sudden perishment will flummox people. An autopsy may reveal the cause of death …
I have a nose like a Bloodhound. I can sniff out AI-generated writing from a mile away. I suss out when someone has used generative AI to write a brief, reply to an email, or write a “thought leadership” post on LinkedIn. It’s in the trite tone and verbiage, in the poverty of imagination and absence of personality. It is …
“It took me a long time to learn how to play like myself.” – Miles Davis. I don’t write for a living. Like my photography endeavours, I write for leisure. I therefore do not consider myself a serious writer. I don’t even think I write that well. But many of my readers disagree. They are fans. They dote and wait …
Death, especially the death of a loved one, purifies the thought. It distils life into clear distillates. The important from the unimportant. The permanent from the fleeting. You cogitate on the vanity of life as you sip a N500K whisky. As I sat in the pew listening to congregants eulogise my father-in-law, the jocose philosopher in me took over. …
Nike doesn’t like vanilla ice cream. It does not like safe. It likes Chilli Ginger Balsamic Swirl Ice Cream. Something to titillate the sense. It is the type of company that’ll put pineapples in pizza in Italy. It’s made specially for you. Hope you like it. And if you don’t, well, maybe you should try the cupcake from Lululemon. “Am …
My father-in-law recently withdrew to more favourable frontiers. Tired of the earthly church, he decided to join the church triumphant. I have so much love for the man. Without him, my wife might not have married me. He saw a son-in-law in a smoke-bellowing, booze-guzzling, jeans-sagging and dreadlock-spotting irreligious boy. He looked beyond the cover of the book. His death …
It’s Valentine’s Day and I want to go find Cupid, break his bow and arrows, put him on my lap and smack his ethereal behind. It’s love messages everywhere I turn and I’m sick and tired of it. Even my bank sends a Valentine’s email: “Back up sweet words with sweet deals…with our Naira Mastercard.” Back up my butt! I’ve …
In September 2022, ARCON banned the use of foreign models and voice-overs in advertising targeted at Nigerians from 1 January 2023. What the ban means is that Heineken or Coke or MTN can no longer expose in Nigeria the same advertising it runs in say Cameroon or South Africa, if the advertising does not include Nigerian models or voice-over. While …
Let me tell you all; the GTCO Food & Drink event is the best brand event in the land. It is the best brand event for two reasons. One, he who brings food brings life. Two, he who brings food brings life. Now, I don’t care much about GTCO or any other bank one way or the other. Of course, …
Today’s young men suck at wooing women. So complain the single ladies I work with. They say these guys can’t toast a lady if you gave them a room full of bread and a Deville toaster. They’ll carbonize the opportunity. Horribly. And by being such Dufuses at dating, they’ve left me with angry and frustrated ladies to console. That’s not …
If I could go back in time and pick an era in which I’d loved to be married, I’d pick the days of the Old Testament. Those were the days! A man’s life was easy. Because I have no recollection of Adam helping Eve zip up her impossibly tight dress for Abel’s christening. Or Ruth belching rage because Boaz forgot their wedding anniversary. Jezebel …
So, who is this muppet that dares rate our beloved King of Boys 2 a 6/10? That would be me, ladies and gentlemen. You see, I’m not blessed with much good sense. Full of myself I am. Zag when everybody zigs. It’s an affliction. But I’ll be delivered of the malaise someday. I will. However, in the present, I’m insistent …
“Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.” Robert Heinlein said that. Far from being a masochistic neanderthal, he actually means well for the pickneys. I’ve got two smart and charming daughters. Pre-teens. Perfect peaches. I dote on them like the devil dote on sinners. They mean the world to me. I’ll hire the Mossad to knock …
I have a country, but not a nation. I have brothers, but not brethren. Cradle me in your arms; Give me not brothers in arms. This Sunday I cannot worship My faith disrobed. The dark invites, With promises of light, The angry drum beats Seducing a dance. Hither, thither Goes the leader. The bribe of the tribe So …
The last time I thought about collective nouns for animals was last year when my daughter was writing exams into secondary school (high school). She was impressed with my knowledge. Well, that’s what fathers do – know things. But my esteem was bruised a few days ago when I was writing a blogpost and needed to use the collective nouns …
Ingratiating commentaries are profitable. I’m tempted to get on that gravy train. But sadly, it is not for me. By a cruel hand of fate, it turns out I am allergic to bull. I tend to serve my juice without sweeteners. And as everyone with a sweet tooth knows, juices without sugar taste anemic. Truth is vinegary. Bitter, in fact, …
Right. I crawled out from under my rock to hear the ruckus about a newfangled men association. Stingy Men Association of Nigeria. Quite unexpectedly, men have come to their senses and will no longer let their phalluses lead them to ruination. Phalluses, by their unique biology, pay no mind to bankruptcy and good sense. Once in the presence of a …
Man, I like cats. Not petrifying felines like Mufasa or Shere Khan. But felines like Garfield and Puss In Boots. Cats have my heart. Sneaky, disloyal and manipulative beauties. I’m particularly drawn to black furry cats. I like the outcast and the maligned. Why do I like cats? Oh, cats live life on their own terms. They know they …
Your Wife and I. Nigerians have the cruelest humour. We banter and satirize like no other. Pity such creativity seldom shows in our advertising. In the last couple of days, Twitterverse has been awash with the alleged indiscretion of a bank MD. As expected of senior management, this good sir had spotted promise in a married employee. Since where …
What is it about a hairstyle, torn jeans and youth that makes a dude delinquent, a crook or a con? I’ll tell you what it is. It is because we distrust people who are different from us. People who don’t dress as we do, talk like we do or incline their ears to our wisdom. It is not a problem …
“Psst…have you heard? 5G tech caused Covid-19! It’s a ploy by the New World Order to get us chipped. Remember 666? The mark of the beast? That’s the end game!” “Psst…the 2004 tsunami was caused by a secret underwater nuclear test by India. US and Israel scientists were involved. “Psst…Diana was killed by the MI6 on instruction of Her …
I joined the Marvel fanboy horde and went to see Avengers: Endgame. I’ll talk about the movie itself in a second. But let’s linger a bit on the influence of America and Hollywood on our minds.
So, I went about some shutterbug business over the weekend. This photography hobby has taken over me like a fake aladura spirit. I’m smitten. I put on my camera backpack and went to Makoko.
Old age is not something I worry about a lot. Not because I have a pot of gold squirrelled away somewhere. My pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow. I know it’s there. All I have to do is beat everyone to the rainbow and dispossess the leprechaun guarding the pot. Hang on a second! I’ve just …
On my way home yesterday, I was listening to Classic FM. I heard, a rather preposterous report: an epidemic of female underpants theft in Nigeria. Grand theft of what we call pata or p-a-i-n-t in Yoruba. Yup. Female pants are being purloined, shanghaied, abducted and misappropriated all over the land. This making away with underpants are sometimes surreptitious. At …
Behavioural scientists will have us know that the faculties that distinguish us from animals are capabilities such as reason, morality, inquiry, religion, aesthetics, aspiration, imagination, creativity, self-awareness, or self-reflection. All that is great. But they are missing one essential faculty: stupidity. That’s right. Stupidity.
A while back, a friend who lived outside the country told me he had met someone who knew me and worked with me in some capacity. He told me this chap had remarked about me: “Jide was a brilliant guy. A good person. But he was sometimes difficult to work with.” Remember the movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past? Where the sins of …
So, Google released the most searched terms in Nigeria for half year 2018. The list made for a distressing read. See for yourself:
Boda Moses is a goal, You know Iwobi no dey joke, Make we bet, Tear your shirt, See, Mr Referee say is a goal, Super Eagles is a winner, Coca-Cola is a goal, Omo Naija is a ginger, Jersey wan o ma le to. If Pepsi thought it could steal Coke’s thunder, its blood sugar must be low. Coke …
The Pepsi Naija All The Way spot is the shiznit! Check it out below: Neat, isn’t it? It’s trendy, bouncy and pumps you up. Makes you want to believe in Nigeria again. The spot reminded us of one of the reasons we are Nigerians: bagful of self-belief and swag. Well, yea, the Naija spirit also sometimes turn into snakes and …
The MTN ‘Blind Bride’ and the Guinness ‘Goodluck Obieze’ TV spots are the two best spots I have seen this year. They struck a cord.
I don’t fancy myself a serious writer. However, if there is one writer that has had the most profound influence on my rather facetious writing, it is Wole Soyinka. Of course, Kongi will probably be horrified at my farcical writing, but I don’t care. I love the man. We share the same birthday. And true love lasts a lifetime.
In the wake of the Facebook-Cambridge Analytica data privacy scandal, I have thought about how much of my personal data is out there. Data waiting to be harvested by some sick psychologist or ethnographer and deployed to warping my mind. I like to think that I have an iron-clad mind. But at the rate I give in to pepperoni pizza, …
I’m absolutely delighted with Black Panther. But I’m not getting carried away with the gushing about Wakanda. Look, there’s no way Nigeria and many African countries are going to turn into a Wakanda very soon. Not with reptiles and apes stashing away money. By the way, that’s some real Snake In The Monkey’s Shadow stuff.
Aside from his use of an obscene term, I really do not understand the rage on the continent when President Trump referred to our beloved patch as ‘shithole countries.’ Emmanuel Macron yesterday said he shares the outrage of Africans on the disparagement by President Trump. Oh please! If by ‘shithole countries’ the man meant countries groaning under the weight of …
I have always suspected that I was special but didn’t know exactly how. Now, I have a fair idea. Boy, am I one cool glass of water! Now, don’t be hating. Turns out every human being is special too. That includes you. Yup. You are just as cool a glass of water as I am. Only I am a chalice …
It’s barely four days into the new year and I’m already calling it quits with a New Year resolution. That’s a full month ahead of the time researchers say most people abandon their New Year resolutions. Great to start the year breaking records. Going to be an awesome year.
Or put another way, can advertisers know if an advertising campaign will be a hit before it is aired? It would be great to know this because advertising is the gateway to positioning, consideration sets and brand salience. And everyone has an opinion about it. Especially the consumer.
Not a week passes on LinkedIn without coming across scathing posts on recruiters, HR folks and HR practices. “HR people are condescending towards candidates.” “HR people are always looking to cheat you.” “HR is always on the side of management.” “HR feathers only its own nest.”
Not so many folks like President Mugabe and President Trump. Not me. I’m their biggest fan. I’d give anything to be in the presence of their awesomeness. I like the two for different reasons though. For President Trump, I like that the office of POTUS hasn’t sobered him up. After all, he was Donald John Trump first before he became President …
A few months ago, the Minister for Information & Culture announced the government was going to ban the production of Nigerian movies, music videos and reality TV programmes outside the country. Such ban was to help grow the creative industry in Nigeria and to create jobs. Said the minister: ‘It is Nigerians that pay for the consumption of these products and therefore …
“Look If you had one shot Or one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted In one moment Would you capture it Or just let it slip?” Eminem – “Lose Yourself .“ (Soundtrack for “8 Mile.” ) If you haven’t seen Hidden Figures, you should. It is a biopic about African-American female mathematicians working at NASA during the Cold War …
That Etisalat Nigeria must rebrand is obvious. The UAE’s Etisalat Group has pulled out of the company and written down its value in it to nil. It says Etisalat Nigeria only has a few weeks to use its brand name. Presumably, if Etisalat Nigeria wants to keep using the brand name, it must pay franchising fees. That must be at …
“Look out for the people who look out for you. Loyalty is everything.” – Found Online I came across a YouTube video in which documentary maker Louis Theroux set out hoping to meet ‘MC Olu Omo.’ MC Olu Omo is the Treasurer of NURTW in Lagos and also the Chairman of the Oshodi chapter. According to popular opinion, he is …
So, on May 1, my household downed tools. The missus would have me know that being a wife and a mother was work. Hard work, as a matter of fact. So in observance of Workers’ Day, she was taking the day off from most wifely duties. She pointed me in the direction of GTBank Food & Drink for the day’s …
